Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Man Claims Sloth Affliction, Not Dereliction

By Hannibal Rex

Walter Reed, a 38-year-old man from Chicopee, Mass was arrested for tax evasion; his defense, “sloth affliction.”

The case is scheduled to go before a jury next Monday. The Federal Government claims that Reed failed to pay taxes for the last five years.

“It’s like something has a hold of me. I can’t seem to accomplish anything, I let things slide, I have been afflicted with the ‘sloth’,” Reed spoke and went on to say, “It’s out of my control – I’m possessed!”

Reed is an employee of DEPEX Inc. and worked there as a mid-level supervisor for the last 12 years. “I used to pull parts and do inventories, but I worked my way up to management. Once my job slowed down, my life seemed to follow.”

Reed blames the company for failure to recognize his sloth. “They told me to manage people that were able to manage themselves. I had nothing to do?  They set me up for this.”

A representative from DEPEX, Chris Bedlam, spoke to Reed’s condition, “He’s a crackpot. Simple. He checked out of this job the same year we promoted him.”

“It’s a well known fact that most management is useless. In the factory world we call it ‘blue-collar retirement’,” Bedlam said with a look of disbelief.

Reed contends that it was his supervisor’s constant harassment that gave him the affliction.

“He (Reed’s supervisor) would constantly harass me with tasks that made no practical sense. He drove me to a breakdown,” Reed spoke with a scowl.

A cursory walk through the warehouse reminds you of the inner workings of a beehive. Each worker moves in concert --on a mission—to accomplish their task.

“I showed up each and every day to stare at the clock. It was mind numbing. I was happier being a worker. The tasks from my boss were mindless and sounded like babble – it drove me insane.”

Reed filed paperwork today in a suit against DEPEX Inc. claiming, “Sloth affliction from lack of purpose.” Though, his dereliction toward the government is another matter.

1 comment:

  1. Amazing! I think I will use the over-complicated explanation of sloth affliction when I begin to feel lazy about doing something I don't want to do. But that means spending more energy on justifying the laziness than required to simply accomplish the task. Absurd at its fullest.