Sunday, February 19, 2012

Fast Buffalo Kills Traffic Cop

By Hannibal Rex

  When James Moriarty, a state trooper from Northampton, Mass, sat down to set a new record at Crazy Wings, a buffalo wing restaurant, the last thing he thought about was death.

  “We thought that he was just a big strong man with an appetite, didn’t know he was a cop?” said Pat Renna the franchises operator. “I never know who is eating at my restaurant, so I make ‘em all sign a waiver of liability.”

  Moriarty was trying to set a new record to win both a free dinner and free shirt that read:  I ate more wings than you at Crazy Wings!

  “He was only two wings away from the record,” said Kevin Callahan with a somber, “I‘ve seen him eat a lot of stuff before. Jimmy liked to eat a lot, and he always ate fast. It was like he raced himself.”

  Callahan [Moriarty’s brother in-law] went on to say, “At least he went down in a blaze of glory. That’s how Jimmy would’ve wanted it. He was always trying to set the bar high.”

  Moriarty died at 7:13pm on Saturday evening from choking on chicken bones and spittle.

  “The heat of the sauce is what made him produce so much excess saliva. Add that to the blue cheese and you got a lot of food for one mouth – no matter how big it is,” said the coroner, Dr. James Burke.

  Moriarty is survived by his live-in girlfriend Sheila Malone. Miss Malone was too distraught for comment.

  The store manager believes it was the speed at which Moriarty consumed the chicken wings that ultimately led to his untimely death.

  “He wasn’t on the clock or anything,” said Renna, “It’s like the guy was on some personal crusade to devour those wings as fast as possible. There were times that I thought he might lose a finger?”

  Moriarty enforced the law of speed for a living and apparently thought he was above the law. “He did everything fast. He used to brag about being able to get to the shore in under an hour,” said a high school friend who wasn’t comfortable leaving his name.

  The state police did not want to comment; however, they did want to make it clear that there was no “hazing” involved. “We don’t control what our troopers eat and how fast they eat – off duty.”

  Moriarty loved Buffalo wings. “They were his all-time favorite,” said Malone. His girlfriend acknowledged that he ate them at least once a week and had been eyeing the record for months.

  “I guess what they say is true,” said Renna as he looked around his franchise, “You can get too much of a good thing. Life’s funny like that…”