Tuesday, January 31, 2012

In God, We Lust

By Hannibal Rex

  Former exotic dancer and adult movie star, Trixie Moon, says, “God needs to be celebrated though the worship of his creation…us!”  The 34-year-old is currently seeking license for a church of fornication.

  Moon is denying allegations of operating a brothel in the south end of Springfield, Mass.  She claims that the state is infringing on her religious freedoms.  “I celebrate the Lord in my own way.”

  Her own way is by allowing herself and her fellow ‘ministers’ to engage in “laying of hands,” as she calls it, “On our parishioners.”

  To belong to the church members must bring a “favorable” donation.  “Our donations are completely voluntary.  No one is forced to join our church.”

  Bill is a 45-year-old construction worker and member of the church.  He says, “I donate just like I would to any religious organization.  Since when did charity become illegal?”  It should be noted that Bill did not want to share his last name.

  That is common with many of the members I tried to interview on church property as they walked up to open the door and were shocked to find it locked.

  Phyllis Rueben, a 74-year-old resident, who lives across the street claims, “There are all types of men going in and out of that building at all times of the day.  Whatever they’re preaching must be working cause most of the men seem to walk out with a smile.”

  “We serve our flock.  We don’t have specific hours.  We answer our parishioners in times of need – not when it's convenient.  We are doing God’s work.” Moon explained regarding the odd times men where noted to ‘worship’.

  The church was officially shut down on Fathers Day in June of 2011 when many wives noticed their husbands’ sudden interest in religion.

  Molly Flannagan, a stout woman who doesn't beat around the bush said, “Joe hadn’t gone to church with the family for over 25 years.  Suddenly he finds God and he begins to go Sunday, then Tuesday nights and so on?”

  Moon claims that the state has no right to close the church.  “We are going to fight this all the way to Beacon Hill!  No one has the right to decide how we are to celebrate the Lord.  We are peaceful people who are trying to make a difference in the world.”

  Moon believes the church will be closed for awhile based on the current allegations and she went on to say, “You have a lot of churches suppressing God’s gift.  We are celebrating it.  We are taming the sin of lust by confronting it head on.”

  Puns aside, it’s clear that Moon is sticking to her guns.  She plans on fighting it out in court and hopes to have the church open again by the fall.

  She looked listless as she said, “We had a really good thing going here.”